Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Thinking out loud

Two things that my uncle often reminds me of when I visit him are that, "you are your own worst enemy" and "when someone else's problem becomes your problem, then you've got the problem."

These stand out at this moment because yesterday was a really good day at work. It was busy and somewhat stressful, but it felt manageable. The boss has been in really good spirits these days, more consistently so, and I really do hope it continues (knock-on-wood).

More so than ever, I feel that I'm finally, after years and years, getting much better at not taking things personally and I'm feeling the layers of self-doubt shed more and more.

There are aspects of my job that are great. I like the work itself–being an assistant seems to come second nature to me, but the industry is not my favorite. I also have noticed that I am beginning to possibly develop some physical issues in my dominant mousing hand and shoulder, as well as recurrent neck problems, which lead to stiffness and headaches.

Also, when it's back to slow season, since it gets really slow, there is not enough work for me to work my normal part-time schedule–and this becomes financially challenging.

In peering out to the future, and setting intentions, I do hope that I am able to keep my current job and find the perfect second part-time job that involves working with children in a pre-school setting. I've sung this song before, but this time the second job that I desire is different than the last time I jotted this down.

There's also the possibility of working toward being a full time pre-school teacher. I'm just not sure if I'd be able to handle all the energy for eight hours. There are still many things I need to consider. I do know that my body is speaking to me with regard to my current job and this could be the year for change.

Ironically, having a great day like yesterday, makes me feel that I don't want to leave my job.

Also, on the writing front, last year I wanted to submit a piece to see if it might be considered for publication. I didn't do it, but thought maybe I would do it this year. At this point, I've come to the conclusion that I truly don't have the desire to publish as an end. But I do still want to write on my blog. I still might send in my travel piece to see what happens. I suppose I desire going through the process more than anything.

In a way, I miss the days I wrote only in my notebooks, for my eyes only. I wrote more freely, less self-consciously. I still have those moments, just not as frequently. I might also be missing my walks.

I trust the process. I live for process. I know that the universe hears. I'm where I need to be, ready for new roads to open up.


Ryan said...

I wrote up a whole comment and it somehow got lost to cyberspace. I'm not going to try and recreate it, but just know that I adore your writing and think if you can harness the freedom of writing to yourself but display it for the world, your writing would be unstoppable.

Rebb said...

Thanks for your kind words, Ryan. I appreciate it!

I think, too, that I have to realize that it's alright to go back to old journal pages, edit, and post. And I have done that, and I know that's part of the process too, but I sometimes feel that if I let too much time go by, when I go back, it's changed. And somehow when I post to my blog, I have it in my head that I want to capture the current days.

I need to let go of that thinking and over thinking and just write...

: )