Sometimes the mornings begin in silence, like this morning. And then my attention becomes fixed on the gentle whirr of the small heater throwing warmth at my feet. Often I will write in this beautiful nothingness of sound and listen to the gurgling or whizzing or tweeting, or vroom–any sounds that I become aware of.
A few months back, there was a Bossa Nova CD that I would put in each morning as I sat down to write. I stopped putting the CD in; my writing became more sporadic. And now, here I am.
The music has come back.
I've given the Bossa Nova CD a break because I have a tendency to get too used to one thing, especially as it becomes part of my ritual. The past week I've been using my iPod Touch together with my new Jambox, which my significant other got me for Christmas. At first, I was resistant. But, he insisted that I would get used to it. See, I hardly ever listen to music on my iPod Touch because I mostly listen to music from my CD player or on the stereo when I'm driving. Then the truth came out, he got me the Jambox, so that if he wanted to watch television in one room and I needed to go in the other room, I could take the music with me if I was listening to it. He wanted to make me more portable. I had to chuckle at that. How thoughtful of him. It was a gift for me and for him.
I love listening to all sorts of music. At work I listen to classical music all day–the same CD over and over. It's actually a compilation of pieces that I heard when I streamed from the classical radio station. I never tire of it. It relaxes me.
I have classical music on my iPod, but I find it a little out of place when I shuffle. I listen to music when I'm cooking and I prefer more upbeat music or songs that I can sing along to. I also like being surprised and none of the music goes together. It's a mishmash and I love that. I wish that I could add my CD collection, but I don't think they are MP3s.
I've gotten back to the creative journaling prompts book. I took a break for about a week. I must say the first section has been a challenge for me: hopes, dreams, & goals. I'll be glad to move onto the next section. I'm finding it a challenge to write about what I wish for and what I could do better. I've always strived to work on myself, going through exercises out of books or answering questions about myself to myself. I must have gotten comfortable and taken some time off because these questions–these journal prompts are exactly what I need right now. They're like the missing ingredient that I need to reestablish some balance within myself.
I've acknowledged that the reason I'm having a difficult time with the questions about what I wish for and my wildest dreams is because of my relationship to what it means to wish for something. As I was working through the questions, wishing felt wrong, like I should be happy with what I have and where I am. Of course, this is ridiculous, but that's what I was thinking. And I am happy–content–but I saw that there were a few things that wouldn't hurt to wish for, even if it's just wishing.
And, I, who love learning was stumped by the question: what is something you want to learn how to do? I was, as usual, over thinking the question. It didn't come to me naturally. And part of it could be that I'm taking a class right now where I'm learning about early childhood education–to explore if this is an area that I might be able to work in and also as a way to give me insight, while I'm volunteering one-on-one with children as a reading tutor. I suppose the question overwhelmed me because I was in it. I was able to think of other things I'd like to learn how to do.
I think the lesson for me is that I can entertain an idea even if it doesn't seem attainable, to dream big, keep pushing along–and above all, enjoy the journey.
From A Calendar of Wisdom: Daily Thoughts to Nourish the Soul by Leo Tolstoy:
"Try to live your Life and be happy with your destiny, acquiring inner peace by love and good deeds."
Peace and Love~