I wrote to you this morning while I was on the brink of waking. I felt calm as I was writing to you especially after having an unsound sleep, getting over something—the food I ate? The change of weather? The usual. What I noticed—and I remember this feeling from childhood is of not being able to be still in my thoughts. I was feverish and also had chills, off and on, my head ached horribly—all I could do was sleep—and thoughts and images would not leave me be. They seemed to be going at a rate that made me feel things were moving quickly. I would try to watch them fly by and then I would also think of things that bring me calm. Trees. Breathing. Ocean. They helped, but feeling as though I was in a mad whirlwind of worry made me realize that it’s part of
you, dear, October, more than any month.
Dear October,
You bring life and death—new beginnings. You are a dark cloth with vents that allow the air and light to shine in. You are a month that contains many intersections for me—a month to remember—a month that is both heavy and light.
I look to you October with a hesitation and at the same time I look to you with all my might. I stand at your outer edges and I jump high, leap, open my arms and move forward into love.
That’s all that I can muster for now, October. I know there will be more.
2 comments:
Rebb,
It isn't the same condition as you, but I've gone through more than a week of doing nothing because of feeling heavy and not able to eat. I'm getting better now, but your hope for October is the same sentiment as mine. It got to be better! Or else, we have to make it good! One good thing came out of it was that I lost weight. Thank goodness. I don't have to buy larger size pants.
Keiko, I'm glad that you are feeling better. I wasn't able to eat much either on one full day. I was happy to drink very little water and one frosted sugar wheat cereal piece. That's all I could eat. Yes, October will get better. We'll make it good! That's the spirit, Keiko! I think my stomach got flatter, but I'm sure it will come back.
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