Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Little Pot of Words: Life

I stir my little pot of words and they seem to be stuck or am I stuck? I feel that it's all too easy to be hard on ourselves, to come to expect great things from ourselves, that having these expectations leave us flat. 

Here I am, ebbing and flowing to some distant calling; at the same time I am quite still, so still...my ECE summer class is almost done. It has been informative and interesting learning about childhood psychology and development. At moments I have felt little threads of myself being unravelled as I go back to different parts of my childhood with a different perspective for reflection. I think of my attachment relationships and wonder what my temperament was like. I feel that at times I regress--I think we all do, really. I think of how my mother tried to coax her girl out of her shell and how I wouldn't budge. I wanted to stay in the safety of my own quiet world. Not much has changed. I still enjoy spending time with myself doing quiet things, but I also have moments where I surprise myself and become somewhat outgoing--if I'm in a comfortable element, I suppose. 

I say what's on my mind, I express when something is bothering me, even when the best thing may be just to "go with it." 

I look back and for whatever reasons, I've been...it has to do with finishing. I get started at something and I follow through to a point and then I stop or else I continue without a plan. I'm process oriented. That can be great; likewise, it can also create for a  long amorphous path. 

If I dig deep, I come back to those words that echo from a time long ago when my student-therapist asked if perhaps I was experiencing the fear of success. I think that fear is at the bottom--has been at the bottom of my dilly dallying nature. I'm focused and quite efficient and will do my best when it comes to my work, but somehow I seem to sabotage myself by only going so far. 

I've come to another familiar crossroads, only it's all too familiar. I go round and round as though I cannot seem to make the record stop spinning the same song. I have enjoyed both the ECE classes that I have taken. I feel that I have gained much, but after much reelection and thinking, I don't think the world of ECE will be materializing for me. 

I remember an old customer when I worked at the burger joint. He was sitting at the counter. I must have been in my early twenties. He knew I was taking classes at the time and he said he had racked up credits and wished that he at least would have completed his A.A.  That's where I am. I never completed my A.A. because I moved onto working on my B.A., only I never completed it. 

I decided that I need to complete my A.A. for myself, that it's time to at least take the last bit of required classes to complete it. I know it won't mean much in the real world nowadays, since it's not a higher degree, but it will mean something to me. 

I've had a love-hate relationship with accounting for many years and that's what it's going to be. I'm going to take the remaining accounting courses that I need, complete my science requirement, and if all goes well, by the end of 2014 or 2015, I should have completed that goal. 

Fear and lack of self-confidence: I think these are my enemies and my best friends. They are always there for me to navigate. 

The mind is a mysterious creature. Even when we think we've got it all figured out, what were left with is a big question mark. I don't mind. I don't know that I would change much about where I am in life. I think that I'm meant to be right where I am and that's just fine. 


ashok said...

A Beautiful piece of writing Rebb. I think you are all ready to begin writing your first short story, novella or novel, about a lady who lost a loved one, and her many dreams perhaps, before she finds a new love in a dream first and then the exact same thing happens in life next day :)

Rebb said...

Hi Ashok, Nice to see you. Thanks for reading and for your uplifting comments. : )