Friday, April 5, 2013

Blank Bliss

There are only ten more days until tax season comes to an end. I feel guilty each year because I don't put in as much time as the others. There were years that I did, but I listen to my body. Even though I'm younger than the other two, their body's seem more able to withstand the long days. But then I remind myself of my capacity to support our small team with all things administrative and with basic tax return input, and really there isn't enough that I can do to work into the wee hours of the night as they do and they don't' seem to mind. And I know they appreciate the help I am able to give. I try to keep things in order, and so I put in my time as best I can.

This will be the first year of all the years I've been there, that I will only have gone in for one weekend and that will probably be this coming weekend. Maybe not both days; it will depend on where we're at. I wanted to go in last weekend, but I wasn't feeling well and stayed in bed both days.

This is also the first year where I've noticed that I'm not worrying as much. Usually, I would fret at how much work there was still to do and stress myself out. I would bring these worrying thoughts home with me and into my dreams. This year, I am just working through one thing at a time, sometimes juggling different tasks when the boss needs me to stop what I'm doing to do this or that.

I've gone in earlier in the mornings than my usual flexible part-time schedule, and so I've chosen to set my morning writing aside. Instead, I have dipped into whichever book calls to me from my windowsill in the mornings for a few moments; at night I dip into at least three and sometimes five, reading a few pages from each of my darlings.

For the first time in a long time, I found myself without thought, and it felt like a stranger. I often try to take advantage of moments where I can just be, such as waiting in a long line, walking, sitting, shopping, driving. And so last night in class, it happened during break. I usually take my journal out or read from a book I've brought, and sometimes I just sit there and listen to the hum of voices. Break went a little longer, so I sat there longer, not fidgeting, just sitting and being aware of my body and of my breath–in, out; in, out; breathing deeply from my belly, effortlessly; I rested my gaze upon the chalkboard, and then in between breaths, I realized that I was blank, there were no thoughts. I couldn't believe it. I had to stand back from within myself and make sure I was seeing what I was seeing in my mind, which was nothing. What a beautiful and rare occurrence. It felt good. I continued to sit quietly in that moment with the wave of voices that seemed to be one voice in the sea of individual voices. I was enveloped in blank bliss.


Ryan said...

Being free of worrisome thoughts is always the key to peace, it's staying there that's the challenge.

Good writing!

Rebb said...

So true, but it does seem to become more natural at certain moments. Nevertheless, a challenge indeed!


ZACL said...

My first thought was, is that was tax does to you! I think it does that to an awful lot of people who, though they don't realise it, are dealing with tax on a daily basis, and also having at times, to think about the big submission. After that, it becomes blessedly buried from the consciousness.

It's worthwhile being more productive when your energies are in flow, than when the are overworked and jaded.

Time out is a good thing - otherwise known as 'chill out' - for many functions we perform.

Rebb said...

I suppose in a way tax can do that to you too! The moments leading up to the big submission always seem to stress people put. This year, people have waited longer than usual to release their stuff to us. We still have a few stragglers and here we are upon the 15th!

Being in flow always seems to lead to good things.

I agree about time out and chilling out. Yesterday I took a sandwich and sat in the park for lunch. It was a mighty windy day and I had to hang on to my sandwich and prop my potato chip bag in my purse, so it wouldn't be swept away. I felt rejuvenated when I went back to work.

ZACL said...

A windy sandwich and a flying chip or two, is plenty and enough to make anyone rejuvenate! :)

Rebb said...

Indeed! : )