Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Fire and Water

Yesterday was a perfectly fine day, and I went and let my mood buttons get the best of me. I've observed in myself these tendencies–they've been no secret to me for quite some time, too long, perhaps, since childhood, really. It doesn't make it any better. When my emotions are running rampant, more so during those particular times of the month–the feminine cycles, well, those are the times I know even better to bite my tongue, to let things roll off my back, but it never fails that something will push my button during those times, and it usually happens at work and it's usually the boss. I sometimes will speak my mind, unable to carefully think before I speak. If a button gets pushed–usually it's the "don't take it personal" button–I get caught up in the moment and before I know it, I'm letting the boss know how I feel. He doesn't really listen. He says "uh-huh" and looks down at what's he's doing, but he doesn't give the courtesy to act like he's interested, to at least acknowledge–something, anything. 

Yesterday, I was ready to come to the page, to my blog and get it out of my system–to vent. But I try...I have an unspoken rule...that if I must vent, it has to be while I'm not angry any longer or at least not as angry. The thing is, I'm mad at myself. I can't stand it when I let others get the best of me. I can't stand it that sometimes I'm too sensitive for my own good, and at the same time I can be a tough cookie. I'm a sensitive, soft, crisp cookie that will help you out, but if you speak to me in a way that pushes my buttons, if you think you're going to do something that I don't like or agree with and not think I'm going to speak up if it's important enough to me, well, those Cancer claws come out and the Aires moon in me charges forward before she can pull her words back and the Leo in me, that's an interesting balance, amongst my quiet, sensitive, reserved Cancer nature.

One thing I'll say in hindsight is that yesterday was absolutely partially "my stuff." It was something that I shouldn't have reacted to, but that's the thing...when you haven't worked through the anger that is beneath the surface, the big things are set off by the little, insignificant things. The issue itself is a philosophical difference and I have accepted it to an extent. It's a different way of managing, a different style. I have a choice of course. To leave or stay. But at the end of the day, I don't see the benefits of leaving over a few trifles. 

I feel better already...One thing that keeps ringing in my ears is when I asked my uncle about a month back if I was like my mother or how was I like my mother. I guess I wanted to hear his perspective. I know they were close. It's hard to get much out of my uncle. He doesn't believe in family history. He's a tough cookie too. I think it runs in the family. What he said in response to my question is this: "You know what I like about you? You don't take any crap from anyone–just like your mother. You don't let people walk all over you. You speak your mind."

That was his way of answering the question and that's all he had for me. I thought about it and nodded. Yes, I guess he's right. And I've had to take a stand with my uncle on a few occasions. In general, I'm a softy. You'd never know that I have occasion to lose my temper, and that if I must, I will defend myself verbally. I mean, I do try to find balance, but sometimes, the needle leans to the other side of balance.

I embrace myself with all of my emotions and expressions of self. Even if I annoy myself and get angry at myself for being me, I wouldn't change a thing about myself because these qualities are who I am. I can always try to be better at controlling my emotions, but without the mix of these often, contradictory emotions and feelings, the positive sides wouldn't be there either. In the end, there is balance.

I am fire and water, the moon and the sun–Yin and Yang. 


Optimistic Existentialist said...

Another wonderfully introspective post. I like that rule: giving things some time before venting. I try to do that as well.

Kayla Lynn said...

i need to learn from that rule... i tend to feel the need to write instantly and then after i have had some time to chill out i realize how silly and foolish i must have sounded. i'll have to work on that.

Rebb said...

Thanks, Keith. I feel so much better when I'm able to step back and give that needed time to sort through things.

Rebb said...

Kayla Lynn, There have been a few times where I write when I'm angry, but those I keep for my eyes only or I take a humorous writing turn and laugh about it later. A few events that I've needed to see on my blog, I tried to turn into a short story or I've noticed that a few elements of a situation ended up in another short story. There's such a fine line, sometimes, between truth and fiction.

ashok said...

We all get that way at times Rebb. Hope you are in the best of moods again.

You had once told me about cinnamon in tea. it is a regular addition now. Here is one from me Grind almonds in the grinder and use a heaping tea spoon as a mix in the morning coffee or bed time cup of milk it is even better. Keeps one much calmer that one would be otherwise, sleep better and much healthier. Just grind for a week at a time for best effect.

Rebb said...

Yes, that mood has passed, until next time. Also, I am true to form, as most born under the sun sign of Cancer will know all about moods and moodiness : )

Ah...almonds in the grinder and then into coffee or maybe tea?? sounds interesting. Thanks for the tip.

ashok said...

I am a cancer too and sure know about moods but I kind off feel bad after a bad spell so I try and avoid them.

You mentioned almonds in tree. That is a must in Kashmir region of Himalayas and that tea is rather nice.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I hope all is well :)

Rebb said...

I know what you mean, Ashok. I feel bad after a bad spell too. But sometimes, we need the balance and not avoid too much, otherwise we blow up. : )

I'll have to definitely try tea with almond. Right now, that sounds very cozy.

Rebb said...

Thanks for checking in, Keith...I think I need to come up for air again : )