Flowing with the Current

I often wonder if I will ever write myself out; will I reach a point where I have nothing more to express? I realize that there will always be something, but when I recognize that I circle back to recurring themes, recurring memories, recurring, recurring—that’s when I feel this way, that I will reach a point when there is no more.

On the whole, I know there will always be more, and I tell myself that it's alright if I must keep visiting and revisiting recurring memories because each time I cross that path, there is something new that I discover about myself and my history. I still hold back. This I sense.

I also realize time changes. As simple as this is to know and understand, as it goes along and sneaks up, that’s when it’s most noticeable. I have always tried to live knowing and accepting that change is a part of life, that change is every moment, that nothing ever stays the same for even one breath…I take my oars; I keep rowing with the current—or at least trying to—rowing along, watching the water glimmer under the sun and knowing that I must continue moving along with the clouds following where the flow goes.

The online short story writing class has begun and as usual a slight anxiety and self-doubt has begun to settle in. It will subside. We have begun introductions at the online course site: Why are we here in this class, what do we like to read, and what do we like to write? It seems that most of the students are younger, maybe in their twenties. They are filled with excitement and are eager to write. I feel inexperienced. I feel doubtful. This is today. Perhaps tomorrow and the next day I will feel different.

Still with my downward feelings, I am excited about the class. I must process my feelings. It’s a way to free myself from the moment.

I will take each day one moment at a time and flow with the change—the ever flowing changes.

Monday Morning

Monday mornings have not been easy for me lately. I don't find myself wanting to go to work. Instead, I'd like to stay home all day and do what I feel like doing, which could be reading, could be writing, could be staring out the window, eating. I hope that by the time I get to work, the day doesn't begin as rocky as it did last Monday.

I feel as though I've been experiencing a reading frenzy and it could be the feeling that has always been there but that I've wanted to follow and talk about. When it becomes too full, though, it makes it hard to know where to begin or how to enter the speaking space. I've written about a few of the books that I've been reading, and this is just as much a journal account for myself, as it is to share with whomever is interested. I find safety and comfort in books. Since I haven't always loved books, I have a different sort of appreciation for them. I wasn't always a reader, but once it took hold, it mostly stayed constant. This is my way of remembering my reading self.

My reading journeys this weekend took me back to some books that I had left for later. I settled on a new audio. I began with The Interior Castle and needed to take a break. The image itself of the mind as mansions and the soul entering and embodying leave me wanting to leave it to my imagination. Lately I have preferred the audio book to the radio in the car when I drive to work. I decided to listen to Harold Bloom's How to Read and Why. I love listening to his analysis and his words. It was re-listening to that audio with a clearer focus that brought me back to Russian literature. I have read a few short Russian stories and began a few novels. I found some Kindle freebies and began with the first short story. Once I was at home, still with books on my mind, I decided to revisit The Brother's Karamazov. It was difficult for me to settle on a translation for Kindle. I have the book, but it's bulky and now I'm spoiled by the slenderness and lightness of Mr. Kindle. I found a translation that feels as though it flows and I do pray that it stays true to the original. My intuition tells me it does. I was so thrilled to be able to pick up where I left off and the chapter I bumped into after the first had a familiar name, which I imagine is a common Russian name: Lizaveta. The same name was in the short story I had read: "The Queen of Spades" by Alexsandr Pushkin. As with most short stories, they seem to require more than one reading to fully absorb what is put between those pages. I hear Bloom in my ears talking about the different Russian writers and how they write simply, but don't be fooled by the simplicity he seems to be saying. What I get from what Bloom is saying is that they write what is real and what is true, what they see and feel. But it feels, from what he is saying--or what I am understanding--that they do it in such a way that they don't try; they just do because they bloody have to because their souls require them to. I'm reading these short stories to enjoy, and at the same time, I'm also reading to learn--not just learn about the craft, but to learn about what seems different. He talks about other short story writers and at first I was disappointed that he didn't think much of Poe's writing or his stories. But if I try to see it from his perspective, I think I can see what he means. For some reason the Russian writers are calling to me because of listening to Bloom. And then somehow Mark Twain slipped back into my mind and I'm not sure if it's because of Bloom or something else triggered it. When the mind starts going in many directions, it becomes difficult to keep track of.

I remember my fifth grade English teacher reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer out loud to us. That's when I most definitely was not a reader. I listened, but I don't know that I was enthralled. Since I have been lulled by the short story recently, I have also decided to read some of Mark Twain's short stories and essays. I truly appreciate the humorist and I don't know what has kept me from reading Twain for all these years. I suppose that's another reason I've felt this frenzy and excitement--because for year's I've collected and intended on reading certain works; started and stopped, always pulled by the hand by another book or piece of writing, including blogs and anything with words and communication.

I don't have quite as much time as I'd like to complete all the reading that I want to in this life time, which is why even if I only make time to experience bits and pieces, that to me--for me--is better than not. I feel also this need to turn back inside in the sense of keeping my private thoughts for my private journals and writing more about what I'm reading. I'm sure that will change and I know that what I say this moment can change in that moment. And I wasn't planning on writing so much and maybe just rambling and writing about nothing. But it's my way of processing and it started out with no direction and who knows what the real direction is. All I know is that there is this moment and this space and I never quite know how I'm going to fill it. And sometimes I'm scared and always a degree of self-consciousness; sometimes I just have to keep pushing myself and telling myself to keep going. It's nice to be able to be one's own coach because in the end, all you've got is yourself. I think that's my Uncle talking. But to some degree it's true. Only I alone have an appointment with God and with Death when that moment comes, so for me it's important to keep that in mind for myself and to prepare myself internally--as has been my goal since I can remember--to try and live each day as if it were the last and to remember that though writing and reading are a passion and sometimes they consume me, I must not lose sight of what is important outside of the books and pages. I tell myself this mantra, have told myself. I must live it. I feel that I have been true to myself for the most part and then what makes me wonder is when my mind goes back to the past. Reading helps me, ironically, stay in the present. Even when we go back even further to the past; it's someone else's past. There is solace in that. By now, I really am rambling and a part of me is saying, maybe you should just keep this in your journals, but the other part of me is saying, you may as well post it and if anything, it becomes a part of your collection--a marker for you to look back at, to remember--and to maybe laugh at yourself.

Procedural Death ~ Processing

Different things have been on my mind. It’s a slow period at work and at times I get antsy. But once I accept and get used to this lull, I’m able to invite the clear slate and let my mind wander—about ways to improve or introduce new ideas. During the process, I usually stumble upon or keep coming back to interests that only started as small flickers and then I seize upon them. But one of my downfalls—wait—I mean one of the challenges that can be both productive and not so productive—the story of my life—is that I get excited about something new and either it takes or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, I try to absorb as much on the surface as possible and then see where that leads me. I’ve come to accept that I love information, ideas, anything that gets me thinking and/or creating. And with that, I’ve had to accept that I end up not walking too steadily down any one path. I seem to keep many paths open.

For some time I’ve had a certain fascination with what happens from a familial and procedural point of view when someone dies. This curiosity became more embedded when I saw it play out in different ways that you see when you’re right up close with it.

Tax is not my thing. But I work for a small tax and accounting office and I envision that I’ll stay there until the boss retires. It’s my choice and there are many good reasons for me to stay. On the plus side, I have flexibility—which is very important—and I don’t like titles much. I assist: Sometimes that means making coffee, finding files, doing light bookkeeping, keeping the office in order; and sometimes it means preparing simple tax returns when we have simple ones. The plus side, for me, of a small office is that I get to do a variety of tasks. The main thing I enjoy about my job is being able to be helpful in some way—that’s why assistant positions always appeal to me. I’m a behind the scene’s person and I like it that way.

In order to make my job more interesting, I try to get to know the people behind the numbers through their tax returns or other documents. Of course, I have to keep this all to myself and inside the office for the obvious reasons. The small tax office offers a variety of different tax and accounting services, and an area that I am beginning to find quite interesting is related to Trusts and Estates. The area I’m most interested in is not on the tax side, but on the procedural side. So I was thinking, if the boss decides to retire early or if scenarios occur, I think I might enjoy being an assistant in a small office that deals in writing Wills and Trusts for families. This has catapulted me into learning a little more on my own. I started by doing a search on my Kindle Reader and found three titles that sound promising:

Living Trusts for Everyone: Why a Will is Not the Way to Settle Your Estate.

By Ronald Farmington Sharp

Kiplinger’s Estate Planning: The Complete Guide to Wills, Trusts, and Maximizing Your Legacy.

By John Ventura

Dead Hands: A Social History of Wills, Trusts, and Inheritance Law.

By Lawrence Friedman

Just by reading the preface and table of contents of the first one and the introduction and table of the contents of the last two, I’m really looking forward to reading these. The last one sounds like a very interesting read.

I am also planning on taking a two night class in the near future called “Trusts & Estate Planning Made Simple.” I don’t know how simple it can be made, but I look forward to bringing my questions and getting an overview of the process. I also hope to at least skim enough of the books by then, so that I don’t come with a completely blank slate.  

A big motivation for me in this area comes from what I have witnessed around me, both positive and negative, of what can happen to a family if someone dies without some form of instrument, be it Will or Trust or both. It really touches a deep core in my soul because the process can be made more manageable with some planning. I’ve gleaned a little here and there, and now I hope to dive in and learn more, and perhaps I will land somewhere where I can help in some way, even if it’s behind the curtain.

Taking Things Personally

“When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally.”

From The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

I came across this quote this morning and it felt like a good reminder.  It reminded me of how taking things personally is an aspect of my personality and it is something that I have made great progress on throughout the years.  If my energy levels are low, that button is more likely to get pushed.  I also have incorporated activities into my life that are grounding, making them habits—rituals to make me feel whole and lessen the sensitivity buttons that have been with me since childhood. 

Lately, I’ve had my emotions all over the place. I have downloaded several Apps from the Apple store and have figured out how I will be using some of the journal writing Apps using them in a way to not only capture when I’m having an emotional or insecure moment, but to capture a whimsy, a photo—anything really, even a doodle with my finger. I used to pour my heart out on the physical page, but now I use the “Day One” App that seems a comfortable place to do this.

As far as my moods and emotions go, every lemon can become sweet.  I am not a sour lemon, but sometimes I need a little sugar and that comes to me in the form of simple things, a smile; taking time for myself to recuperate from the information overload of life. Walking is always a soothing remedy, staring into the sky, losing myself in the clouds; reading and writing make me feel able to keep processing, connecting, sharing. When I stay true to myself and continue the inner work, I am better able to be a source of positive energy. I feel best when I can laugh and laugh and laugh until the laughter is out of control.

Today’s photo was taken of the small rose garden in the park outside the library. Whenever I walk by, I feel lifted. It’s nice to watch the roses go through their different stages.

Happy Writing!

**

Some Apple iPhone/iPod Touch Apps I use for jotting down thoughts (As far as I know, these are all Apple Apps from the Apple iTunes store):

-Notes.  I especially enjoy the simple “Notes” App that comes preinstalled. It’s simple, straightforward, I can see the list at a quick glance, and I didn’t realize until recently that when I synch up my iPod Touch with my computer, it automatically saves my notes in a folder titled “Notes” in my Yahoo Mail account.

-Wonderful Days – Diary with Style (HandyPadSoft (Tong Liu) (WFD). $2.99. This is a visually appealing writing App. As the name suggests, it helps get you writing about your day—every day. You can add photos, change the backgrounds, add a mood and weather icon. I still have some exploring to do, but I try to get something in here, some little observation for the day.

If you’d like to see a 2 minute YouTube on Wonderful Days – Diary with Style, check this out:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2caznxsNFg&hd=1

-Evernote. Free. I had downloaded Evernote some time ago and I must admit I love the bright green background of the icon and the elephant on top. Love elephants! From what I’ve read, it’s a pretty powerful App that you can record anything to including web content, photos, etc. and it synchs up and save all this information to its server—sort of like the Cloud concept. Anyhow, what made me start using it more is that Wonderful Days syncs up with it, so I have a copy saved in two places and can access it when I’m out and about.

Another feature I have begun taking advantage of is the ease of creating different “Notebooks” to organize your ideas.

It looks like Evernote actually can be downloaded to PCs and android phones.

http://www.evernote.com/

-Day One (Bloom Built, LLC). $1.99. This has become my mood diary. I like that the interface is clean and simple and when I open it, it asks me for my password. It feels secure, like a real diary. I do my mental processing here and try to see if different themes come up or if there are any patterns that I wouldn’t otherwise be aware of. So far, it has felt great; and it’s also great that I have not had to use it too much, but just the right amount.  http://dayoneapp.com/

-Project 365. Free. This is an App where you can record a photo for each day of the year. I haven’t been diligent about it, but I do have some photos that I inserted on special days or days I wanted to remember with a photo; text can also be inserted. You can then view the calendar and all your photos appear, one for each day.

-Writing Prompts. $1.99. Just for fun, I downloaded this App this morning. I haven’t explored it much yet, but it seems like a fun one when you need a little boost.

Here’s a short video clip I found on Blip.tv.

http://blip.tv/dailyappshow/writing-prompts-ipad-app-demo-dailyappshow-5359044

When I started this morning, with the quote, I didn’t realize I was going to talk about some of the writing Apps I’ve enjoyed, but that’s what happens. There are some poetry Apps if you do a search. Actually, there is an article that discusses some new poetry Apps and of course if you search under poetry in the Apple Apps store, you can explore what else they have. Here is the article, “Apps for Poets:”

http://appadvice.com/applists/show/apps-for-poets