Yesterday was a perfectly fine day, and I went and let my mood buttons get the best of me. I've observed in myself these tendencies–they've been no secret to me for quite some time, too long, perhaps, since childhood, really. It doesn't make it any better. When my emotions are running rampant, more so during those particular times of the month–the feminine cycles, well, those are the times I know even better to bite my tongue, to let things roll off my back, but it never fails that something will push my button during those times, and it usually happens at work and it's usually the boss. I sometimes will speak my mind, unable to carefully think before I speak. If a button gets pushed–usually it's the "don't take it personal" button–I get caught up in the moment and before I know it, I'm letting the boss know how I feel. He doesn't really listen. He says "uh-huh" and looks down at what's he's doing, but he doesn't give the courtesy to act like he's interested, to at least acknowledge–something, anything.
Yesterday, I was ready to come to the page, to my blog and get it out of my system–to vent. But I try...I have an unspoken rule...that if I must vent, it has to be while I'm not angry any longer or at least not as angry. The thing is, I'm mad at myself. I can't stand it when I let others get the best of me. I can't stand it that sometimes I'm too sensitive for my own good, and at the same time I can be a tough cookie. I'm a sensitive, soft, crisp cookie that will help you out, but if you speak to me in a way that pushes my buttons, if you think you're going to do something that I don't like or agree with and not think I'm going to speak up if it's important enough to me, well, those Cancer claws come out and the Aires moon in me charges forward before she can pull her words back and the Leo in me, that's an interesting balance, amongst my quiet, sensitive, reserved Cancer nature.
One thing I'll say in hindsight is that yesterday was absolutely partially "my stuff." It was something that I shouldn't have reacted to, but that's the thing...when you haven't worked through the anger that is beneath the surface, the big things are set off by the little, insignificant things. The issue itself is a philosophical difference and I have accepted it to an extent. It's a different way of managing, a different style. I have a choice of course. To leave or stay. But at the end of the day, I don't see the benefits of leaving over a few trifles.
I feel better already...One thing that keeps ringing in my ears is when I asked my uncle about a month back if I was like my mother or how was I like my mother. I guess I wanted to hear his perspective. I know they were close. It's hard to get much out of my uncle. He doesn't believe in family history. He's a tough cookie too. I think it runs in the family. What he said in response to my question is this: "You know what I like about you? You don't take any crap from anyone–just like your mother. You don't let people walk all over you. You speak your mind."
That was his way of answering the question and that's all he had for me. I thought about it and nodded. Yes, I guess he's right. And I've had to take a stand with my uncle on a few occasions. In general, I'm a softy. You'd never know that I have occasion to lose my temper, and that if I must, I will defend myself verbally. I mean, I do try to find balance, but sometimes, the needle leans to the other side of balance.
I embrace myself with all of my emotions and expressions of self. Even if I annoy myself and get angry at myself for being me, I wouldn't change a thing about myself because these qualities are who I am. I can always try to be better at controlling my emotions, but without the mix of these often, contradictory emotions and feelings, the positive sides wouldn't be there either. In the end, there is balance.
I am fire and water, the moon and the sun–Yin and Yang.
