Words Inside my Head

Having trouble describing the feeling, how it seems as though my cup has been inadvertently emptied and I am new again, a fresh piece of paper with a new pen trying to connect thoughts and feelings. The thoughts are there, they keep reeling by. I watch them. I want to record them, but pen and paper are not connecting with those thoughts. The process hasn't changed, perhaps something inside of me has, perhaps it's been changing--always changing--this time though the change seems to be causing a gravitation away from writing and that feels strange. A part of me wants to go with this change that has been slowly happening for longer than I realize. A part of me wants to start fresh and jump into the ocean and become lost in a new sea, begin again, and reacquaint myself with the words inside my head. 

Playtime ~ Living in the Moment

Recently we visited with my hubby's cousin and her husband. Their 4 1/2 year old boy is hubby's Godson and my buddy. When I write about him, I refer to him as Little A. 

If I haven't seen him for a while, he takes a few seconds to come out of his shell and then he gets chatty, tells me what he's been up to and asks me to play. It usually doesn't take him long to want to play together, so I don't often visit with the "adults" for very long. I've always had a sense of this; I enjoy playing with Little A. But this last time when we were down in his play room, his daddy came in for a refreshment for himself and hubby. Hubby came along to see how Little A. and I were doing and to say hello. His daddy said to me that Little A. said that whenever I come over I only talk to him. Hubby turned to daddy and asked if he said that just to clarify; and daddy said no, Little A. said it. We looked at Little A. and he smiled and gave a small squirm of his body to confirm that he had indeed made this observation. 

I admit that hearing it said out loud made me feel a tad self-conscious. I do visit with the adults and when we sit down to eat, naturally there is conversation; but, yes, I suppose it's mostly true, and it seems that Little A. talks to me the most when I'm there too. He engages me, and together we go into his world of play.

So we played. I always follow his lead. We baked cakes, played store, tended to injured stuffed animals, rode on the sea, escaped pirates, went on a safari, and nearly missed putting all the animals away to avoid a big storm. 

As we were winding down, sitting across from each other, out of the blue Little A. says to me, "girls are bossy and make rules; boys don't. But your not bossy." I repeated his statement back to him just to make sure I heard him right. "But your not bossy, Auntie Rebbecca." I smiled inside. It was nice not being lumped in with bossy girls that make rules for the space of time I'm with him. We just play and have fun and giggle and let our imaginations run wild. 

Playing with Little A., there is no other choice but to live in the wonderful, present moment.

Quotable Socks

Walking through that same stationary store a couple week's back I didn't want to walk out with just one postcard. I saw cute bags that were made out of a light paper-like plastic to hold pens, pencils, or any small items. I looked up and saw colorful socks with different sayings on them. This photo here is the pair I bought. They say it all!

Books: January - July

I haven't posted an update on what I'm reading lately. I was just going to include the last two month's, but then I thought I may as well post what I've recorded and finished to date, since it's not that many. I get so excited about books, and I love seeing and hearing what others are reading too.

There were a lot of books that I started and didn't finish, that I hope to come back to at some point. I've only listed the books that I actually completed and remembered to record.

JANUARY

Illuminations: A Novel of Hildegard Von Bingen - Mary Sharratt

-I rang in the New Year reading this book. I was captivated by this story based on the life of the mystic and saint, Hildegard Von Bingen. I had no idea going into this book how much it would take a hold on me and how invested I would become with the characters.

7/29/14 - I listen to the classical radio station everyday at work and when I hear a piece that really speaks to me, I write it down. I heard an angelic song coming through my speakers, and when I clicked to see who the composer was, it was Hildegard Von Bingen. It was the first time I've heard her music. Listening to her gave me goosebumps.

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

-There are numerous classics on my list. I can't believe it took me so long to read this one. I loved every minute of it. 

Read this! Hand picked favorites from America's indie bookstores - Hans Weyandt, Editor

-How could I resist this one!

Voltaire's Calligrapher - Pablo De Santis

-This was an interestingly strange sort of mystery.

Thousand Cranes - Yasunari Kawabata

-This was a beautifully told story centering around a tea ceremony and the subtleties of human nature. Beautiful and sad. It made my heart ache.

FEBRUARY

Kokoro - Natsume Soseki

-I can imagine how this story about a young man who befriends an older man that he calls Sensei may not be for everyone. The story made me contemplate how it must have felt being Sensei and all that he had to keep secret from his wife and how he couldn't live a full and true life. When I came to the last page, the last words, I felt a deep sadness.

The City of your Final Destination - Peter Cameron

-I think I came across this book from one of the books on books. I was pleasantly surprised. It's a book about love, through and through.

MARCH

Yes, Chef: A Memoir - Marcus Samuelsson

-I like watching Chef Samuelsson on the food show, Chopped. This book was featured on my book a day calendar–I couldn't resist. It gave me a peek into his life and what it's like trying to make it as a chef. This was a treat to read and gave me a more rounded perspective of just who Chef Samuelsson is and where he came from.

The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde

-What a wonderful piece of literature. I actually started this in the spring of 2013 and finished it this year. I sped through the first half and for some reason set it aside until March of this year. This is a book that I will reread in the future.

APRIL

James and the Giant Peach - Roald Dahl

-I missed Dahl in my childhood, so I have some catching up to do. Delightful, of course!

MAY

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

The Chaperone - Laura Moriarty

-I was whisked into the story of Louise Brooks and her chaperone, Cora. The story and characters came alive for me, and there was a surprise that caught me off guard; it  made the story that much more interesting. 

Philosophy Made Simple: a Novel - Robert Hellenga

-I mostly enjoyed this novel, but had mixed feelings. I had favorite parts.

The Cats Table - Michael Ondaatje

-A story about a group of boys that form a friendship on a ship bound for England. I felt as though I was along during this adventurous ride across the ocean. Beautiful writing. 

Supermarket - Satoshi Azuchi

-I remember being in the library searching through the A's to see if any titles caught my attention. This was one of them. Who knew that I would be so enthralled by a work of fiction about the workings of a Japanese supermarket, but I was. The characters drew me in, as well as the internal struggles, and the relationships.

JUNE

Mr. Penumbra's 24-hour Bookstore - Robin Sloan

-What a fun adventure this was!

Terms and Conditions - Robert Glancy

-This is a witty novel with plenty of black humor. It fit my mood when I found it. I finished it in one sitting and found myself laughing a lot and thinking how clever this book was. I loved it!

The Apartment - Greg Baxter

-There isn't much that goes on: A nameless man and a woman he met search for an apartment. I was drawn into the language and the bits of insight throughout. As I neared the end, I felt the story sneaking up on me. I appreciated the subtlety of this short novel.

Dying Words - K. Patrick Conner

-I don't remember where I first learned of this book, but it's been in my Kindle as a sample for a while now. Graydon Hubbell, somewhat of a curmudgeon, is an obituary writer at the San Francisco Chronicle. He finds out that he has cancer, but wants to work for as long as he can. A touching novel with a good amount of humor to balance it out.   

JULY

Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Muralami

-I wasn't sure if I was going to like Kafka on the Shore, so it was a great surprise and absolute treat when the story hooked me. I thoroughly enjoyed the parallel stories and how they came together. This was a magical book that had a little bit of everything.

The Writer's Afterlife: A Novel - Richard Vetere

-An entertaining story that writers will especially appreciate.

Morning

whirring fan spins above

one last sip of tea–

the day has begun,

yet it begins again

Yesterday: Grey Sky & A Walk Around the Reservoir

The morning began with a grey canvas, a hushed tone–

inviting color. As the day progressed, the clouds unrolled to reveal patches of blue. The grey clouds became white.

This afternoon the sky has opened, fluffy clouds amble by. I hear a squirrel running this way. I look up. He stops. He's searching for treats, rustling through the leaves. And then I hear another. After some time passes, I continue walking. Dragonflies whizz by. I stop, standing still enough to see them hover. They zoom on by. I continue walking.

**

grey sky

a blank canvas

swirled in a splash–

green trees

**

grey sky–

a blank canvas

waits for you

**

grey sky

nature's canvas–

look! do you see!?

722 Words

Yesterday on my way to work, I admired the grey morning clouds. I tried to capture the moment in a haiku as I was driving along, saying the words to myself. When I got to work, I jotted the beginnings on a yellow post-it note. I wasn't satisfied.

I stepped away from my desk because I needed my caffeine–the decaffeinated version–I went down to the coffee shop and waited in line to order a decaf mocha with whipped cream. As I waited in line, I looked out the window and saw a woman that made me think of myself. There was something about her side profile–the look on her face and the glasses upon her face that made me think that could have been me. That then got me to thinking: What would it be like if I met myself? Would I get along with myself? Would I bring out the best of myself? In general I feel that I'm a nice person. I'm easy to get along with. But, there are times when I have those excitable moments as I like to call them. They mostly happen if I feel that I'm being attacked or disrespected in some way. The person who gets to see every single side and mood of me is hubby and he is so good about knowing how to navigate the waters. Sometimes I can be explosive. The other person who recently was able to press my buttons was my uncle. In that case, I let him get the best of me. I know how he is and usually I sit and listen, but it got personal, and I reacted. It always takes me a few days and sometimes weeks to feel centered again when I allow myself to get upset. And when my uncle through back at me, "You're just like your mother." I was slightly stunned. Those words hurt and they stuck. He told me on one occasion that what he likes about me is that I'm like my mother in the sense that as he put it: "You don't take crap from anyone." Yet, to those that don't know me, I can be timid and am very quiet. If someone says to me, "You're so nice." I always try to remind them that I'm human and have my moments. I like being honest and I like being who I am, though sometimes I'm not happy with my moments of excitability.

To those words that stuck...I think they stunned me because they were true and because I have seen more of this aspect of her in me as time goes on. I've always known it was there, felt it, seen it, acted out. But rather than try to push it away, I work with it as best I can. I'm similar to my mother in certain ways, and at the same time, I'm me–I'm different than she. Together we are whole. 

This feels good to get this out without too many details because it's been digging at me. I know that my uncle can be very difficult. He does most of the talking and it's often negative. I have to remember that he's from a different time and he is still my elder, even though we are both grown adults. But it can become so terribly draining to be in someone's presence whose view of the world seems so tainted and out of date, who often puts women down and says to me, "no offense to you." But there is offense. I am a woman, and I think that gets in the way. I don't respect his negative views, but I have to respect his freedom to think how he likes. He's 82 and he shows no signs of changing his views.

It's odd that this has come out of me on this day, where I've turned another page in the year of days. I received a nice greeting from my brother. And maybe it was his words that made me feel guilty in some way–guilty because I wasn't able to remain calm and compassionate with my uncle. My mind has a way of making small things big and I think this is one of those instances. I need to let it go and begin a new day.