Reflecting on Reflecting

This is a photo I took on a different day, but I thought I would add it here.


I loved the part of speech class when the instructor had us take an hour, to go find a spot, and sit by ourselves and answer some “big questions:” Who am I, why am I here, etc. By nature I am reflective, but it’s been a while since I’ve sat with and written my responses to these specific questions that he provided to us. I also like that he had us think about and write about our values. He had us think of favorite characters in movies and/or books, and again to see what values we admired in these characters. It really provided a new way to help guide me on “why am I here.” It actually makes a lot of sense to me in a different way. I knew some of the characters I liked from the past, but now I have a better sense of how they represent what I value in a new way.

Two of the eleven questions:

Who am I? On this day, June 30, 2010, I am in a constant state of self-discovery. I am whole, but I am also a sum of my experiences, past, present, future. I find myself in nature and through my words, through sharing and connecting and remembering.

During the past year, what has my life stood for? During the past year, my life has stood for appreciating the fragility and wonder of life. Not a day goes by that I am not in awe of some aspect of nature and my connection to her. I sit now beneath this great tree, on this grass with leaves and twigs and earth; I look up to the sun as it shines light on the leaves and the wind brushes against my whole being. I feel calm, grounded, quieted, humbled. And then…a little bird flies circles around me and I follow him with my eyes and turn my head and follow, round and round and round and round... He makes me dizzy with love and happiness, and I laugh aloud to myself, to the little bird, and the tree.

The beauty is we can come back to these questions at different points in our lives.

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One note. When the instructor asked a couple of students that arrived back early from reflecting what they thought about the exercise, one girl did not like it at all, and I don’t think she wrote responses to the questions. I felt bad for her because she almost looked terrified. She was clearly not in a space to open up to these questions. As I had noted before, many of the students were younger, anywhere between 19 to 25. For some, this was second nature and for others it was their first time doing something like this.

I took this photo at a park. This is a type of Manzanita.

Final Reflection on Last Speech

Selecting a Topic

It was challenging for me to come up with a final persuasive topic that I felt passionate about. By nature, I don’t know that I’m a persuader, at least not in a direct way. Mindfulness as a practice was at the forefront of my mind and that is what I submitted as my topic. As we spoke more as a class about the elements of persuasion, I started feeling like I needed to change my topic and the instructor said that was fine. I needed a topic that was tangible—accessible to my audience. Stress jumped into my mind, my mom, me, humans. Yes, stress would be my point of entry.

I decided that I would use Monroe’s Motivational Sequence as my organizational structure: I would have an attention step, present my need and evidence, provide a satisfaction step and incorporate the visualization step, and finally an action step. I would persuade my audience that prolonged chronic stress (distress) is detrimental to our health and our lives. I had 6 to 8 minutes to work with, which isn’t a whole lot of time, so I had to really pinpoint what I would say and how I would make it stick. I did use PowerPoint for this presentation (my first time actually using it). My presentation was simple. I included an introductory slide of two very stressed out people; the next slide was a facts slide; followed by a relaxation ~ stress management techniques slide. I followed this slide up with a 2.48 minute animated meditation YouTube video. It felt appropriate for my audience and the video was done very nicely, I thought. I invited the audience to try to just be, but to also be aware of their bodies and their breath. I heard some laughter because it’s the type of video that is light and serious and, I feel, really does a great job of portraying the process. At the end, I said that the great thing about our breath is that it is accessible to us anywhere, while doing anything, as a way to bring us back to center and to calm us down, and I pointed out how many of us had already done this during some of our speeches—and that all the better if we include this as a practice. My final message was really for them to care for themselves and to try to find relaxation techniques that work for them and to incorporate these into their daily lives.

What made my day the following day was when I struck up a conversation with a sort-of shy and reserved classmate. I asked her if she was ready for her presentation. She was nervous. I told her she would do fine. Breathe. She then said, she really appreciated the handout I provided at the end of my presentation on “belly breathing.” Again an accessible way to bring diaphragmatic breathing to the audience because of how it was presented from the book, Stress Free for Good: 10 Scientifically Proven Life Skills for Health and Happiness. She said her whole family experienced a lot of stress and she made copies for all of them and for friends. And then another classmate on the last day said she enjoyed my presentation and did some “belly breathing” before her presentation.

Preparation

I spent a lot of time preparing to ease the nerves that I felt. I felt like quitting. I was practicing my stress management techniques. In order to get into the connection I had with the topic, I knew I had to make a reference to my mother, but not make it too long that I would go over the allotted time. When I read aloud at home, I started crying. Great, I thought, I might not be able to include this part. If I cut it, it would make the topic feel dry, without passion. I cut what I would say down to three sentences, which I penciled onto my note card, so it was a last minute decision that I could choose to present or not, depending on how I felt up there. I practiced aloud so many times, no tears. I could do it. It was going to work out.

Presentation Day

I put my name on the board to be the 5th presenter. We watched several great presentations. While the presenter before me received feedback, I went up to setup my laptop, plugging it into the audio/visual cable. I was all set to go, but then the instructor decided we would take a 15 minutes break.

Ready with my PowerPoint, note cards in hand, I began reading, as I looked out to the audience. When I reached my last sentence before I stated the sentences about my mother, I took a long pause. I was choking up. I began crying without tears. I took a few good deep breaths and continued with a strained voice. I almost thought I would have to sit down, but I pushed on. When I got my last sentence out, my next note card was on facts. I was able to regain my composure somewhat and I pushed my voice. The next note card was my own words, not about my mother, but the emotion came back because I was in those words. I brought my hand to my belly and breathed, so that I could get the last bit out, but again strained. Next slide: Techniques. Ah, relief. A steady voice, a comfortable voice and the image beside the bullet points—calm water and rocks. This led into my video, which was a wonderful pause. For my closing, the emotion flooded back and I couldn’t stretch my voice as loud as I would have liked, and I barely got those last words out. A huge sigh of relief. It was done. I had done the best that I could and had no idea that I would be up there allowing my emotions to take over—but allowing was not even an option. It was beyond my control. Ironically, I didn’t feel embarrassed, like I might have in the past. It felt alright. The instructor pointed out to all of us that it was because off all of them, creating such a safe environment, that I was comfortable enough to share this personal story.

This was one of the most challenging and amazing courses I have taken. I was inspired and touched by the instructor and every single person in that classroom. It was almost sad to see the class come to a close when we all shared so much with each other, but now I know that I am indeed coming out of my shell in bits and pieces, first with my words on the page, and now I’ve proven to myself that I can push myself to go beyond that. This was just a small step. I’m getting more comfortable sharing parts of me in conversation, which is good, since as I’ve written before, most of my life I’ve been a closed book. I’ve heard too many little comments from bosses and teachers, that now I need to listen—that I do have something to share. It’s not easy shedding old ‘scripts.’ It’s not easy developing self-esteem and acknowledging our own strengths, but this is the road I am on—the road of self-esteem and self-acknowledgment, no more negative self-talk. I hope to keep moving forward and keep being brave when it’s comfortable. I feel wonderful and alive.

Thank you again to all of you for your support, encouragement, and good vibes.

Speech ~ So Far

Speech class has felt very much like boot camp. Monday through Thursday from 8:15 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. with two short breaks for three weeks. My boss has been kind enough to support my efforts and so I’m working an afternoon shift for these three weeks. We are already done with week one, and I have given two speeches: A short introduction and a personal narrative. It went much better than I thought. It felt ok, even sweeping around the class, trying to make eye contact with the whole class, which in the past would have thrown me off and brought me to an immediate standstill. The only thing I observed is that my heart started pounding right before I knew I was up, and then it went back to normal, leaving a few butterflies in my tummy.

With only the night to prepare for my personal narrative, I woke up the following morning at 4 a.m. to rework it, I read it aloud over and over with an online stopwatch, so that I stayed within the 3 to 4 minute allotment. I stayed at the computer for three and a half hours tweaking, re-reading, pretending to look around the classroom. How difficult could this be—I was talking about myself, my solo trip to New Orleans. It was very difficult! What I had written out was what I would submit for a written story, but when I read it aloud, it didn’t sound natural. I stumbled and made modifications based on how it would be as a speech that should sound natural, opposed to a piece of written work, made simply for reading quietly or aloud word for word. Such a different animal for me. A very challenging one.

The day of my presentation, I walked up to the front of the classroom of about 27 students that sat in a U shape. The people in the back seemed so far away. I started off fine, looked up from my paper. When I got to my second point, I had to look down at my paper again. I had highlighted certain spots, so that I wouldn’t have to fumble to find a key word to get me back on track. What I realized is that I was changing certain words and phrasing and left out a few details— how I had originally planned on presenting my story. It felt strange. Why did I do that? What happened? I suppose it was nerves. By my closing point, I started feeling that lost feeling. I paused, I looked down, looked back up and was able to give my conclusion, which was to not let anyone discourage you from doing something you want to do, no matter how big or small; and to not be afraid to do something alone because you might be surprised by what you learn about yourself. I had at least kept my conclusion pretty much on par with what I had originally intended and had written. The important thing is I got through it! It felt amazing to actually complete the speech and not feel too nervous.

When each of the speakers finished, the instructor had our fellow students first give feedback to us and then he would give us his feedback. I was surprised that one person said I looked comfortable up there and that I had good eye contact. Another said she liked my “moral.” One student had a very helpful comment. She said that I could speak up a bit and not be afraid and to yell at us is how she put it. “We’re not mean, just let it out” she said. Interesting. Yes, that would be tricky. To get comfortable enough with the audience to be more expressive and change my tone, as I am when I am comfortable. It was a good start to the week and not as scary as I thought it would be. Already, I have accomplished more than I could have asked for.

My next speech is on Tuesday and I have been busily working away on it. This is the most time consuming class I have ever taken, and of course that has a lot to do with the condensed version. I also think it has to do with my need to feel comfortable enough with what I’ve written down to be able to recover if I lose myself up there. I have spent so much time thinking and rewriting this next speech, and for this one, I’m not even writing it as I approached my other speech, which is to write it out in essay format first. This one, I’m writing and tweaking strictly as an outline. I’ve already changed it up and reordered one point based on reading aloud and realizing that I need to try and inform the best I know how in 4 to 6 minutes with visual aids. I still haven’t decided my visual aid delivery: PowerPoint or poster boards. I may have to do both because the instructor said to have a backup plan if the technology isn’t cooperating that day.

The instructor told us to select a topic we’re passionate about, but since it’s an informative speech, our opinion doesn’t matter and shouldn’t really come into play. This is a great exercise for me in presenting objectively about something I am passionate about, which is astrology. I thought it would be a fun topic and something different. It’s also a challenge because I have to narrow my focus down and at the same time try to make it useful in such a short amount of time. Maybe there’s a lesson there: Don’t choose such a broad topic to begin with.

Lastly, one of the assignments to prepare for this speech, which was fun, was to come up with a survey of 6 to 10 questions to gauge our audience’s interest and knowledge level on our topic. We then would take these anonymous surveys and adjust our presentation’s based on this feedback. One of my survey questions was, “What is your overall impression of astrology? Nonsense Useful Fun.” And I asked them to circle all that apply. Another question was to rate their curiosity level on a scale of 1 to 10. Out of the 27 students, most are curious, but there are at least 6 people whose impression of astrology is nonsense with a curiosity level of 2 to 3. And that’s ok. For the curious to very curious, I hope not to bore them and to present something new.