I Talk to the Plants at Work

I talk to the plants at work. Each morning I greet the short plant that I call Shorty. He's the first one I see. Sometimes I forget, and when I do, something feels off, which causes me to go back around from my desk to set my eyes upon him. There was a little while there when I would let him dry out until he looked like wilted spinach, but it wasn't to be cruel. It's that it was easier to water him that way, to be sure the water penetrated him well. And it was lovely to watch him go from a low droop to the perkiest, happiest, Shorty that he is. I stopped doing that though and thought it best to keep him looking his best in case a visitor came during one of his droopy moments. They wouldn't understand. Instead, shorty would look neglected.

Today when I was watering the rest of the plants, I was admiring and speaking to the tall palm. He doesn't have a name–just Tall Palm. His new leaves had unwrapped so beautifully. I took my hand after watering him and felt his new leaf, seeing how perfectly it had unwrapped from a tight frond, feeling the smoothness–the cool skin and veins. The light was shining through the window and I could see the silhouette of my fingers. I was seized by the moment. I set the watering can down, grabbed my phone, and snapped a photo. It was a simple wonderful moment where the palm and I connected on a different level. It was as though I was seeing the palm and myself for the first time; life beating through our veins, and it was lovely. 

Evening Page ~ The Mountain

The day started out slightly cool and grey–a break from the heat of summer from last week. The day itself was good. 

The mountain that I pass every day looked more stunning this morning as the low clouds embraced its peak; and the haze of yesterday lifted to reveal his true colors. This great mountain mostly speaks to me as an old wise man; occasionally, though, he shape-shifts into a mercurial woman.

Today's photo is a shot of an Iris that I took in the pond of the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park. The Iris is one of my favorite flowers.

Evening Page

Spring is teasing with sweet blooms appearing here and there. The sweet scent of honey catches on my nose, causes me to stop in my tracks, to stand and inhale the freshness in the air. Dear Spring, it's so nice to see you again–to see traces of you on the horizon. I look up into that wild blue sky and want to spin and run through the grass.

Tonight my mind is content, yet it wants to see the blinking cursor change from a blinking cursor to words and thoughts upon the page. I'm distracted by the fact that I'm usually asleep by now and by a homework assignment that is due tomorrow and I'm distracted by a book that I want to read and another and another–and the night air and the moon that was full on Monday night and how lovely it was peeking down at me through the bedroom window and the stars looked bright last night and I always look for you dear moon and I'm sure to wish you a good night; I smile at you and I know you'll be there even when you're not.

My mind is still and at the same time its active, but it's not making any sense except in its own orbit.

Evening Page ~ Dinner

Treated ourselves to a nice dinner last night.
Linguine carbonara and
pasta with seafood;
Clinking glasses filled with
Riesling and Pinot Grigio.
Apple galette a'la mode for dessert.


After dinner-- at the wine bar, we split a flight.
Already full, I reasoned with
my belly that there was still room for a small
plate of smoked pork risotto. I ate every
kernel on the plate, sipped wine, drank water,
let the music wash over me--
Filled beyond belief.

Self-Doubt ~ Thinking

It seems that there is a certain degree of self-doubt in the air. It makes me think of the many times I have experienced self-doubt; it makes me wonder what causes an individual to doubt themselves.

From time to time I reflect back on the times when I was seeing a student-therapist and he suggested that perhaps I had a fear of success, not failure, but of success. Back then I was the same person, but much more timid and I was very insecure. I had much more self-doubt. I think of his words from time to time and wonder if there could be truth in them for some people: The fear of success. I am forever grateful to him because, quite possibly without his assistance and nudging, I may not have re-signed up for community college courses, back in those beginning years. I may have continued doubting myself with a vengeance.

I feel as though I spent a great deal of my life in self-doubt and there are still moments it comes up. Mostly, I feel as though I've broken through certain self-barriers. On the one hand I can view my experience as both a blessing and a curse. It has taken me much longer to reach certain milestones because it seemed I was constantly rolling myself up a hill only to roll back down. On the other hand, if I had not rolled back down and brushed myself up and got going back up the hill, I don't know that I'd appreciate the present moment quite as much as I do.

I still stumble, but I feel better able to trust myself. After conquering one of my worst fears ever--public speaking--I've felt that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I know that may not seem like a big thing; it certainly was for me. With certain other life events, I've learned to embrace and act on the sayings that "life is too short" and "what do you have to lose?"

Our lives are each our own with very significant questions and decisions that only we can answer with help from our inner guides. It's comforting to know that we're not alone on our journeys. We may encounter a rocky road or perhaps it will be smooth. We won't know unless we try. If our passion is true in our hearts, souls, minds, and bodies, we know what we must do.

By moving past our fears and learning to trust ourselves, acknowledging the fears, yet being open and knowing that it's going to be alright, if we trust ourselves and listen to our guts, we won't lose ourselves in the process; we will still maintain our essence--this is what I believe.

Evening Page: A New View of Monday’s

This Monday I tried a different approach to the beginning of the week. I feel as though I had a break through after I had my mini-blow up after the honking experience. I feel as though it was a blessing in disguise because I don’t like blowing up; I don’t like losing my balance, and I took this as an opportunity to do some thinking and continued to evaluate my reactions in general when something bothers me.

Although my emotional loss of control wasn’t about work, it made me think of work for some reason. It made me think of the moments I do get frustrated or co-workers get frustrated and, for some reason, at that moment I wanted to get to the library to check out Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff at Work: Simple Ways to Minimize Stress and Conflict While Bringing Out the Best in Yourself and Others by Richard Carlson.

The excerpt that has really made a difference is: 13. Join my New Club, “TGIT.” Some people are of the TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday) club, counting the days before the end of the week arrives, while others are of the TGIM (Thank God It’s Monday) for those that look forward to Monday’s. People of the TGIT (Thank God It’s Today) club are “…happy seven days a week because they understand that every day is unique, and each brings with it different gifts. Members of this club are grateful to be alive; they rejoice in their many blessings and expect each day to be full of wonder, surprise, and opportunity” (pg. 40). Reading this provided me a refreshing way to approach all the days of the week. I felt a bounce to my step on Monday as I walked to work and an uncontrollable smile formed on my face as I passed the sun-drenched flowers and heard the birds chirping. I took this with me to the office, carried it through the day, and back home again.

Today in particular when I took a walking break, this one section of shrubs and plants looked especially green today. I felt almost as though I was seeing for the first time and my eyes were overjoyed with green.

Approaching the days with a TGIT framework doesn’t mean that I won’t still have moments of anger or sadness. It means that I don’t have to dread Monday’s because it’s the beginning of a workweek. It doesn’t even mean I have to focus on Friday because the weekend follows. It means each day can be special; each day an opportunity for learning, growth—fill in the blank.

Carlson closes this excerpt by saying, “Just think: If you wake up every day of the week with an attitude of, ‘I’m glad today is today. I’m going to make this day as positive and wonderful as I possibly can,’ you may be surprised at how much less stressed you’ll be. This simple shift of attitude goes a long way toward a more positive experience of life and work.”

I now have a post-it note at work taped to my computer screen with TGIT. I wrote the letters in block style with a blue felt pen and then for each letter I doodled a circle, star, and zigzag lines. I definitely feel a shift in my attitude toward work. It’s ebbed and flowed over the years and that’s why I appreciate coming back to simple reminders that don’t cost any money. Attitude is a large part of life, and I’m glad that Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… reminded me of that.