A Lone Leaf

The boss in on vacation,

enveloped by the warm humidity of Vietnam.

 

We receive the call from the buyer's assistant.

The deal has been closed.

Texts back and forth to confirm. 

Not much will change, or at least at the outset.

I look out through the window of his empty office, 

in darkness, the only light coming from the outside. 

I stand and look at the city covered in gray and white, 

rain patterning down,

trees scattered along bare sidewalks,

 

As I look, I see there a bare tree with one lone leaf not its own, 

caught in its branches, 

holding it there until it blows away. 

Change

Dear Words,

I feel that our relationship is changing.

I want to read you more than I want to write you, but that's not entirely true–it changes day by day, inch by inch.

Dear Words, you've been good to me; you've been there when I needed you most. We've been good to each other. You've helped me see myself, brought me close to my mother, allowed me to bring my thoughts and feelings to life, to give them a voice.

Change is a doubled edged sword–pardon the cliche, dear Words.

In some ways, I've gone back into my little shell, keeping you closed inside but not entirely and–my solace found more and more, more even than before–in the stories in those books that I've come back to, new ones I've entered.

Oh, dear Words! How good it feels to talk with you–I know you'll always understand. I know you will know what I don't and that even though our relationship may change and keep changing, it will still be there–alive–to nourish us. All we have to do is write.

**

Because...there is a certain comfort...because even as I think this and write this, already we have changed. Change. Change, Change! 

The same and different.

  

Tarot Card ~ Death

This morning felt like a good day to pick a Tarot card, to pick a card to provide some insight or inspiration in general, not necessarily for myself alone, but possibly for other wandering souls.

The card that showed up was Death - XIII Trumps

The essence of this card seems to be captured in the following introductory quote for this card from The Tarot Handbook: Practical Applications of Ancient Visual Symbols by Angeles Arrien. I use the Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot deck.

"The Death/Rebirth symbol represents the universal principal of detachment and release. It is through letting go that we are able to give birth to new forms. Cutting through old binding patterns allows us to let go of the old and give birth to new or unexpressed parts of ourselves."

This is something that I would venture to say that most of us know to be true on some level, but why is it so difficult to put into practice?

I look to this card and can see where I may be in the process; and there, again, I see that even in writing about it, my words are tentative.

I find the card itself to be a source of light...

Death himself–a skeleton,
working his scythe, clearing the
way, making way for new growth–
transformation.

Unfold your wings and
Rise!

Never Too Old

I would never have imagined myself in a million years taking an early childhood education (ECE) class. Two classes ago we walked through the different day care rooms at night on the community college campus to get an idea of how the environments were set up. The infant room brought an instant calm to my being. There were soft toys, books, organization, neutral colors, and pictures up high to look at. As we walked through the different rooms, notebook in hand, I felt that I could see myself in a setting like this one day. I especially liked the pre-school room. There was so much to explore, inside and outside.

I have to admit that I've always been more of an animal person. Children brought up fears in me–with infants, there is a fear of how fragile they are. With the older children, there is the fear of how honest some of them may be, and how well brought up they are to know what's nice to say and not so nice.

On the flip side, that's what's so great about children: They are totally honest.

Somewhere in my early thirties I was in a Safeway and I've always had tendencies toward shyness and insecurity. On this one day I had stopped off at Safeway on my way home from work. I used to bike to work then. I had my bike helmet on my head. It was a hot day and my face was hot and sweaty. I walked by an older child sitting in the shopping cart. she must have been five years old or so. As I walked by she pointed at me and said, "she's ugly." I just kept walking. Her dad was near by and I think he walked over to her and who knows what he mumbled to her.

All I know is that I felt about one inch tall. Even though I didn't know this child, those simple words fed into an insecurity that I felt. From a rational perspective, I could talk myself around it or better yet ignore the comment. But emotionally, it planted a small seed–and not that I had considered working with children then–I think I told myself I never would.

I can tell that a shift has occurred in me, and at this stage in my life, my relationship toward children has changed–is changing in positive ways.

I've said it before, and I don't mind repeating that I believe we all learn and grow at our own pace. In looking back at my childhood, there are many instances where I've had to battle with self-esteem issues. It feels good that as I continue going through life, the layers continue shedding, being replaced by new ones–stronger ones.

We're never too old to learn and grow.

I Need a New Chair

Yoga has been calling my name. This morning I listened. I was wiped out last night--for what reason, I cannot say. I never understand when my body becomes heavy with exhaustion and the only thing I can attribute the feeling to is mental exhaustion, but even then, there isn't much.

I've noticed that my right shoulder and the area right where it connects, has lost some range of motion. I'm sure it has to do with that being my dominant mousing arm at work and the position that my desk and chair force me into. For years my work chair has been horribly uncomfortable and I have wanted a new chair, but how do you really properly find a new, ergonomic chair, that fits your body, without sitting in all of them?

Office stores don't usually have dozens of chairs to sit in and I once did find a chair that looked good in the picture, and the description said all the right things, but when I got the chair it was more uncomfortable than the one that I started with, the one I still sit in.

Sometimes it's uncomfortable to sit, so I stand awkwardly above my desk. I've thought about how I can make my work area a standing station. It's hard to imagine it with the space I have. My right wrist has also been showing signs--repetitive motion, etc. It motivates me to want to do more Yoga, to use the 2 pound weights I recently bought with good intentions. I've only picked them up a few times. I did use them today after Yoga, which was a positive sign.

I had a dream last night. I was at the Relax the Back store searching for work chairs. I went to that store years ago and was pleased at the offerings. They even had petite sized chairs. The cost, though, was at least twice or three times as much as a regular chair.

This is the year for a new chair or a makeshift stand up station. This is one change I need to make.

Shedding

I can feel my skin, loosening itself, releasing the old scripts, releasing what is not working and plunging in as though it were the first day of my birth. I am thinking of an old friend—may he rest in peace—an old friend whose passion was snakes. He was a snake breeder.

And it is now that I think of the many beautiful reptiles that I laid my eyes upon. Looking in on a new batch of corn snakes, I was reminded of different flavors of pale ice cream. Some of the Mexican snakes were bold black, orange, and yellow of different stripes and patterns. The California king snake stunned me with its black and white stripes; and I always had a soft spot for the western hog nosed snake with its upturned front, which made it appear to have a snout. It is a shorter snake with slightly thick body compared to other slender snakes.

He and I had a strained relationship. We had been lovers and friends and back again. In the end we realized we could only be friends, and at times I was like one of the guys in our escapades. Our friendship trailed off, though. I never had an opportunity to properly say goodbye. I’ve never been good at goodbyes. I’ve exhibited this in jobs, in relationships, and during difficult times. It’s a part of my nature, a sensitive soul that can appear like a rock on the outside—a soul that can retreat without much notice—a need to go away and never look back.

**

Lately, the image of a snake shedding its skin enters her consciousness. She realizes that she is feeling this shedding within herself. She sees the opaque covering, as it gently loosens to reveal a new fresh skin.

She feels at peace. She knows she had many ups and downs with her old friend of late and she knows that even though they drifted apart, they still shared pieces of time that remain. She always does things in her own way that is not always understood by others, but she must do what she must.

Her old friend comes to her mind of course because if not for him, she wouldn’t think of snakes in quite the same way.

She remembers a time when she decided to go with him to a snake show, where many other snake breeders would take their goods and sell them to the interested buyer. One container had a small batch of freshly hatched snakes. She cannot recall the breed, but they were a bit feisty. She took a snake out to show a buyer and the little devil bit her. It didn’t hurt and she didn’t bleed. It was like a pinprick.

Snakes are beautiful creatures. Their skin is smooth and cool to the touch, not slimy in the least bit. They slither along—one long muscle, effortless. I imagine it may seem cruel to keep a snake in captivity and perhaps there is some truth to this—to contain a creature that is used to having a vast amount of space, who then is confined to a small container. I wonder how the snakes feel about this. Since they are bred into captivity, does this lessen the desire to wander—or does the instinct come into force and take over?

She is experiencing the shedding of old skin…and she knows she can keep this image by her side as the coming months close in. She will take it month by month and wriggle out of her skin—remembering the cycle and not fighting it, continuing to embrace the change.

The Entrepreneurial Spirit and Feeling a Sense of Contentment

I’ve always admired people that have what I do not. In this case, total self-confidence. I do have self-confidence in certain situations, but it is not a constant flow. I know that sometimes people may portray this air about them, yet they are not as confident as they seem.

What comes to mind is a boss from long ago. She was originally from Sri Lanka and I will always remember and admire her self-confidence and entrepreneurial spirit. She pushed forward even if there was doubt. If she didn’t know something, she would tell a client, “sure, we can do that,” even if she wasn’t absolutely sure what the program was, and she would quickly either find a way to do it herself or because of the business she ran—computer training for corporations—she would find a person who knew how. She had enough confidence in her abilities to know that if she didn’t have a solution right then, she would surely figure it out in time.

There are so many people that have emigrated here to the United States, who followed the spirit of this land and it amazes me how they did it. They leave their countries, come here with practically nothing but a vision and desire and make it happen. And then there are some people that have been living in this land of opportunity that have become used to the gifts of the land or who have no reason to break new ground and quite possibly forget how lucky they are to live in such a free country. Of course, there are also those of this country who have that same entrepreneurial sprit. We have seen many come and go.

I admire this spirit and cheer for those who are successful.

My co-worker just asked me yesterday if I had heard back from the folks—entrepreneurs—that I interviewed for. I said that I had not and that the interview went well and I followed up with a thank you email and that they would be in touch one way or the other. I said that it could be a while. They had several applicants for the open positions and they would not have a need for a couple of months. They were being proactive for upcoming business. I also admire proactive people. I am one myself.

Later that evening, coincidentally, I received a call and it was one of the owners of the company calling back to say they had narrowed the interviewed applicants down to a few and that I was in that pool. The next step would be reference and background checks and then they would make their final decision. I admit, that yet again, I have had a few of those heart to heart conversations with God. I wasn’t asking for the job, only asking that he continue to guide me in the proper direction, that, yes, I would like to have this job. It would be an opportunity to learn, branch out while keeping my other part-time position. More than anything, the learning opportunity and being more productive is most attractive to me right now.

I’ve thought upon the changes by deciding to work full-time again by having two part-time positions. I have searched throughout the years, but I didn’t want to be hasty. I didn’t want a regular full-time position with one company, and I wanted to be sure I found a company that I felt good working for. This feels like the one. I will be ever so happy if I am offered the position and if not, I will be glad to have gone through the process, since it had been long since I had.

The biggest change if I get offered the position is I will have less time for reading and writing. In a way, though, I have done a lot of both over these years. I’ve had the time by choice and I feel satisfied and happy about that. I am ready. Ready to move on to a new chapter. Reading and writing will always be there. They always have been.

The entrepreneurial spirit seems an essential ingredient in writing for publication. Eventually the published writer, depending on their situation, will be in a position where they have to sell themselves. That’s the part I don’t care much for. One of the things I’m beginning to feel from participating in the writer’s group is a real excitement for witnessing one of the first of the group to see one of their larger works to publication. A few are working on novellas and a few of us are working on smaller pieces. I’m enjoying the process more than anything. Of course it would be nice to see one little essay or one short story of my own published, but that goal has been overtaken with the joy of the process itself and of seeing others succeed. In a way, I already feel published—if that makes any sense. As I said, I feel a sense of satisfaction and closure, and knowing that I may have less time to spend writing, may actually catapult me and focus me forward. It may even give a kick to my creativity.

I feel that I’ve been writing since I was born and of course that’s not possible. But, being so introspective, being a quiet child who lived an interior life—in that sense it feels that I wrote as a ghost writing in the sky. And I was also written onto by my surroundings. I struggled in school, especially writing between junior high through my first year of community college. I really couldn’t write proper sentences and had trouble getting my thoughts out. I always want to remember this because it is such a gift to myself that I didn’t give up and that I still write and express myself in ways I would never have imagined. That means everything to me. That can never be taken from me.

I do not have a true entrepreneurial spirit, but I admire it in others. I applaud and cheer for those of you out there!

With each small risk or new adventure, no matter the size, I do gain self-confidence. But I do not forget where I’ve come from, and that allows me to maintain some sense of balance and compassion toward my fellow human beings and myself.

Marking Time

It became noticeable yesterday when we were driving back from the grocery store to home at about 7:30 PM.

“The days are already starting to get shorter.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Look, it's almost dark and people have their headlights on already. Two weeks ago when we took our walk at this time it was much lighter.”

“Is daylight savings in October?”

“No, it's in early November this year—but gosh, it seems it's already here.”

I may not have noticed as much except for when I glanced down at my watch and made the association with our sometimes after-dinner walks. Usually in the Fall, it's time to bring the flashlight out to light our path along the dark road. It's nice to have these markers and it's not always the case and I often don't like looking at the clock—the time too much—but I can see it has its place to help bring a little order to the beautiful non-order of life—the sublime chaos and fractals of life.

See you soon, Dear Autumn.

Each day, I feel you pushing gently through that door a little more and a little more. Crackling branches; berry and nut collectors; cool chill gliding on wings of Father Wind blowing gently. Window blinds caressing against the window, going back and forth to mark the change.

Early sunsets and many more changes—quietude and solace wrapped into a glistening ornament of burnt orange purple and blood red.

Book Review: One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way

This book has made its way back from inside the closet, to the shelf that is in clear sight. I was looking for another book or was I putting a book away? Well, for some reason, these past few days, my intuition has been telling me to see if I still have the small book review that I wrote for a feature writing journalism course I took a little over four years ago. I figured I did and so I pulled it up and wondered, should I post it?…and so here it is.

**

Kaizen on the Brain:  How taking small steps can change your life.

“Shhh, don’t wake the Amygdala!”  The amygdala, a structure of the brain within the midbrain, is the control center for our flight or flight response where we detect danger or a stressful situation.  Many of us have experienced stress when we try to make quick change in our lives or when we set unmanageable goals.  Too often, we set ourselves up for failure, leaving a goal unfinished, or worst, we may never get started.

There is hope, however, if we are willing to learn a new approach to understanding and approaching change.  In his book "One Small Step Can Change Your Life:  The Kaizen Way," Robert Maurer, Ph. D., lays out his ideas on Kaizen, a Japanese management concept that entails making continuous and steady improvements.  It is a principle—a mindset—that invites you to always seek ways to make small improvements, and shows how we can apply this method to just about anything we want to change in our lives.

Written in a digestible manner, the sections are laid out in small chunks.  The tone is lively, yet authoritative, providing some history about Kaizen.  Dr. Maurer offers his readers simple, but powerful techniques on how to elicit change in our lives.  He outlines why we resist change and discusses, in lay terms, the fear response the brain goes through when we try to chew on too much.

Each chapter is devoted to an explanation, example, and application of the techniques:  ask small questions, think small thoughts, take small actions, solve small problems, bestow small thoughts, and identify small moments.  He suggests that we don’t have to employ each of these strategies, but to instead take and use the ones that make the most sense to us.

You may wonder if this may sound like just another self-help book in disguise.  But don’t let that deter you.  In this small but potent book, Dr. Maurer offers the reader the science behind why he thinks small continuous improvements work when applied to making personal change, providing practical examples and research to show why he believes Kaizen gets results. 

Already, I have been trying some of these techniques for myself, and have found that it is a challenge in itself to learn to approach things from such an incremental standpoint, but I have noticed that I’ve begun breaking things down into more manageable pieces, so that I don’t become overwhelmed with a given goal or task.  I find that in our fast paced environment, where we tend to tackle challenges by diving head first into the abyss, this is a fresh outlook, blending science, psychology, philosophy, and melding it with Kaizen. 

By opening this book, you are on your way toward re-framing the way you look at and approach change.  Much of what is offered may seem like good old common sense, but what makes this book worth reading is that it invites the reader to remember these common sense applications and understand why we resist change, showing how we can better approach it to create lasting results.  As Dr. Maurer states in his preface, the essence of Kaizen is captured in the words of Lao Tzu: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”